EP. 3
DEC 28th
Holy shit. Where did December go? Seriously, I had plans for this month, plans and things to do.
I feel like, 2023, was a mess. A big mess. Anyone else? October was a horrible month and it made me so sick and so sad. I was numb and zombie-like during most of November, and I think I did end up spending my birthday night in tears, against my wishes.
Annnnddd, December feels like payback for being so passive and indifferent. I mean. December has been wild. The shit I've had to deal with, JUST in the last 3 weeks, is insane.
Firstly, my bank took out my car payment… twice. So that was nice of them. I tried to call and cancel the payment, but they wouldn’t fix it or reverse it because it was already “pending”. Awesome.
Secondly, I had to replace the front two tires on my car… because I have a long commute, and the city I live in decided that Dec 11- Jan 8 was the perfect time to do some really rough construction on our only highway out of town. Also, fantastic.
Then, thirdly but not lastly. The problematic grandparents were in town for a bit and they were ALL up in my business about my ex. What happened? I always liked him. You don’t need a man, I’ve always told you to never worry about a man in your life. So how are you? How did it happen? Well, at least he was worth one thing.
Which, honestly, I had kind of prepared for. At least a little bit. My grandmother knows how to turn any conversation into a gossiping interrogation. But there was also a lot of driving around and visiting my and my ex’s old stomping grounds which was so emotionally draining that it all finally got the better of me.
And I told you I wasn’t done just yet, because I curbed my back tire… and popped it. Go me.
So, to recap, that is; 4 nights of crying myself to sleep, 3 new tires, 2 car payments, and a partridge in a motherfucking pear tree. But Merry Christmas.
Anyway, to deter myself from complaining, I think, December has also been a little bit clarifying. I mean, with the new year coming up, the realization of 2023 has really hit me hard.
I had plans for this year, I had goals. Unfortunately, I ended up spending this year, well. I didn’t spend this year the way I had thought I would.
I spent my 2023 experiencing love and loss in a way that was very new to me. I found this boy, and I found myself a bit. But somewhere along the way I started to lose bits and pieces of the both of us and then, in trying to bring us back, I lost him completely and I’m still trying to find myself again.
I’m not complaining again. I’m expressing some self-awareness. It’s a good thing. Because no, I’m not happy that I spent my 2023 majorly invested in someone who was working on being invested in himself and his own goals.
But I’ve learned from it. I learned a lot from him, and from who I was as his partner. I’m better for it now, I know I am.
Because again, I didn’t think that my parents knew what they were talking about when they told me I wasn’t doing anything for myself because I was so lost in the “relationship”. But I can see now that they were right. Of course, they were.
And I can now better defend myself from those situations. I know I’m gonna be okay. I know now (now as in like just recently learned) that it's okay to know when something or someone isn’t right for you. And you do not have to explain yourself or drive yourself insane trying to rationalize and reason with your intuition, with your heart.
It’s okay to want to be filled the same way you pour. Given to, the same way you give.
I’m honestly not sure where I stand within myself anymore. On one hand, I feel so deeply betrayed by myself for giving up on someone so kind and so tried. And, on the other hand, I realize that I did try. I tried so hard to grow and learn within a box that was built by someone else's tribulations.
I’m trying to be okay. At the end of the day, I know I couldn’t have forced myself to continue devolving the way I had been. So, I’m trying to be okay.
And, with the new year in mind, and my goals and plans in mind, I'm optimistic for once about the “new me” or the “evolved me”. I’m going into 2024 alone, but somehow not. I experienced a sort of renewal at the end of this year, I already feel new. This is my chance to focus on myself.
Make new friends, grow in my wealth, and learn in my mental and spiritual state. Make changes. Write my book. Put work into my blog, into my day trading. Pour some love back into my life. Take 2023 and all of its challenges with some grace, and romanticize my potential.
I have no one to impress, except the girl I was a few months ago, and the little sisters who didn’t really understand. I plan on making them proud.
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