EP. 2
Nov. 5th
I just feel alone. And I don’t want to be. But I did do this to myself. And in the end, it’s gonna be worth it, I know. I would rather be alone with myself than feeling alone with the wrong person.
But it doesn’t quite feel real. The fact, the absolute truth, is that this person who was such a huge deal in my life, suddenly isn’t anymore. And yeah, that doesn’t feel real yet.
I question whether or not I was right, of course. I second-guessed myself immediately and days after it happened. I wonder if, by wanting so hard to prove people wrong, I ended up proving them right. I know things took a turn, and I even think I was expecting it somewhat- things just stopped feeling right.
But my heart aches every day, every morning I don’t see a text. I miss the sound of his voice, and I miss being held.
I can only take it a day at a time. Because sometimes, when the sunlight hits me just right, or my voice sounds just even, I feel like myself again. I feel like I haven’t been this happy in a while. I feel open, I feel lighter. Full of opportunity. I’m close to my mom again. Things feel right again.
But I still miss him. A lot.
And it still hurts.
I have to verbally remind myself. I broke up with him. He is my ex. We are not dating anymore.
We talked every single day, for 339 days without fail. I spent 11 months head over heels for this boy. And now? We went a whole week without talking, I barely ate or slept, I cried constantly, and it all tore me to shreds. Now, a second week has gone by, we barely talk, and he’s convinced I’ll come back to him- that there’s no one else for him.
But now ‘we’re friends’- which I know won’t last, because I can’t stand it. He’s a totally different person to me now. He went out to a party and got drunk for God’s sake. And then he had to tell me about it, randomly and completely unprompted.
He wanted to make me jealous. He wanted a reaction to his stories and his whereabouts, whether or not he’d ‘done anything’ with anyone whilst he was drunk.
He wanted a reaction, and attention, both things I wasn’t willing to give him. Not from fear of leading him on, he apparently doesn’t need my help with that, but from the lack of desire to. It hurts that we’re over, and I miss the company, but really, I guess, I no longer miss him.
Overall, that desire for him, the attraction, the love, the lust, its just gone. And I want the world for him, truly I do. I’ll of course always love him. I’m grateful I got to experience the things I experienced these last few months with him by my side, and aside from seeming to now be in denial, he was really supportive of my feelings and my decision to end things.
But, he no longer stirs my heart or pulls on my strings. I feel entirely dissociated from him and who I was with him. Maybe that's the scary part. The part that hurts. I'm missing someone from my routine. A big part of that routine. And I’m missing the me and the habits I formed, due to that routine and that someone.
I guess I’m not sure. I know I’m better off. It just still makes my heart hurt.
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