EP. 1
Oct. 12th
I swear, the best feeling in the world, is the burden of blame. (note the sarcasm.)
The truth about being the oldest child, boy or girl, is that you're the experiment. You are the theory being played out before being planned out; therefore, everything is your fault.
The mistakes you make, or even just decisions others (your parents) don't like, will be used as lecture points for how things shouldn’t go, or choices your siblings shouldn’t make. Your siblings, take after you. Unfortunately, they have different parents, and they have different childhoods.
In a sense, you get different parents, too. The way you get parented will change, because your parents change as they learn and they're learning as much as you are at the same time and pace as you. Your parents will always end up having better advice later on, or after the fact, and of course, at some point in young adulthood, you have to “start taking responsibility for yourself”.
So then, that leaves you kind of alone. Doesn’t it?
In my family, you strive to become an entrepreneur til you are financially free. You strive to build something for yourself, not be a part of the machine, be different. So, naturally, I have a job. Bought and am paying for my own car, I have bills. And I learned from my brother, a few days ago, that my parents won't let him get a job so as to not get my syndrome.
They named it after me. This syndrome, this disease. As if they didn’t teach it to me. As if, there is anything wrong to begin with, in having a job and working to support yourself. I was the bad example.
And that hurt. Just a little bit.
You think you’re doing something right, your parents won't let you move out so you strive to pay for a car and take care of yourself in smaller ways, all whilst writing a book and taking classes in stock market trading, you’re trying to be a big girl. And you’re just getting to a place mentally, where you're finally able to accept that YOU’RE ONLY 18.
It's supposed to be okay that your relationships are messy, it's okay that you're working at a job you hate, it’s okay that you’re tired! And you finally catch your breath, after a lot of messy nights and messy feelings, only to find out, that you’re the bad example in the lectures. That your parents support you (kinda) but only to your face, and even then they make sure you're aware that you're not meeting their expectations.
Now, you fight the spiral. You fight the urge to get too comfortable, to become undone. You realize that you have to build walls and become emotionless in your own life so that you can still provide love and comfort to your siblings.
You need to somehow, do what you need to do to pay the bills, but also fuck your feelings because your parents need someone to be proud of and your siblings need someone to look up to.
The only thing you're gonna take away, from this era of your life is that the only universal constant is change.
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